the lonely goatherd

a friend invited me to lunch today – she’s a great hostess and cook, so the food was wonderful and the table settings perfect. another friend joined us, and we had lively conversation that bounced randomly from subject to subject, like it always does with the three of us. as things were winding down and it was time to leave, i thought about the errands i had to run. and then i thought “oh, on my way out of the neighborhood, i can stop on 29th street and get an iced tea!”. this realization filled me with an unnatural joy. after i left nans, walking proudly out of the cafe with my iced-tea-to-go, it occurred to me: i pretty much base every journey in my entire life, no matter how small, around when and where i will get an iced tea to accompany me.

a few years ago, my father was seriously ill. he was in and out of the hospital many times over a period of months, and i frequently picked him up and drove him home when he was discharged. the 4th or 5th time i did this, i pulled up at the hospital, flung open the door, and as the nurses helped him into the car, i reached over to get my to-go cup off the passenger seat. as we pulled away, my father said to me “can you even drive a car without an iced tea between your legs?” i laughed, and wasn’t sure how to respond. this is one of my favorite memories of my dad: sarcastic, funny, slyly observant. and as time has passed, i realize the answer: no.

i’m far too stubborn to admit this happens simply because i have a caffeine addiction. i prefer to think of it as a comforting ritual that i have practiced most of my life. as a teenager, in the summer, when my cousins and i got together, the first thing that happened: we poured glasses of iced tea. so, i have a distinct and early link between iced tea and some of the most sublimely happy times in my life. the minute i got back to my apartment after college classes? iced tea. when i moved into my first apartment? finding the right iced tea container for the refrigerator. maybe the presence of iced tea is all about reassurance. all i know is, when i’m going somewhere, before i leave the house i am plotting when and where i will stop for iced tea. i have tried keeping to-go cups at home and filling them with tea before i head out. i sheepishly admit i often fill the glass half-full, so that i can stop to get more during my journey. true, i am a model consumer, and often the act of stopping to buy something, even as minor as an iced tea, is satisfying. not that buying an iced tea is ever ‘minor’.

so, yes.  addiction, ritual, habit – all of those things. when friends complain to me about trying to break their caffeine addiction and how tough it is, i think “why bother?”. i mean, unless there is some dire medical reason, is it that big a deal? its not like drinking coffee (okay…or iced tea) is going to send me down a path of rampant self-destruction and disaster. in fact, the more i think of it, it’s just the opposite. yes, there is the whole “my head is going to cave in and i will kill someone if i don’t get some iced tea NOW” thing, but there is also the fun, challenging, lovely and economy-stimulating act of seeking out and purchasing a delicious, fresh iced tea. i simply refuse to argue with habit, nostalgia and ritual. i just refuse.

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