the bells

the doors of the train slid shut, and i waved sadly to myrna. through the glass she blew me a kiss goodbye as the car pulled away. i walked up the ramp and into grand central station, staring at the ceiling, the intricate stonework, the late night crowds rushing through the cavernous room. out on the street, there was a brisk breeze, and i took my usual route back to the hotel – stopping once in a while at a favorite landmark, looking at it silently for a long moment. it was my last night in new york, and i was saying goodbye the same way i’ve done a hundred times before.

i felt the familiar sting of leaving, my stubborn desire to stay. but this time, i felt something else – an intense urgency, the realization that there was someone at home, a reason to go. i’m always torn when i leave new york, but this was new – i was torn over wanting to stay, and pulled by the need to be at your side. walking faster, i tried to take everything in, to soak up the energy of the city. i always do this before i leave, as if i can store all the manic motion, the traffic noise, the garish lights to keep me alive until i return. strange, though, that it suddenly felt hollow, voodoo that no longer had power – and i was ready to be home.

i stopped for tea at the corner deli near my hotel. when i stepped back outside, there was a homeless man on the street, singing in a dark, soulful voice:

there were bells on the hill
but i never heard them ringing
no i never heard them at all
’til there was you…

i stood, frozen in place. and i wondered: has your view of the world changed and shifted now that i am in it, as mine has? do you feel yourself leaning towards me, even when we are hundreds of miles apart? do you wish me home? are you anxious for my return? are the things you always counted on drifting away, leaving just the two of us, washed with the sound of bells?

there were birds in the sky
but i never saw them winging
no i never saw them at all
’til there was you…

i stared down 7th avenue, the bright lights in times square blurring. do you feel this longing as i do? do you feel even one iota of this longing that has suddenly come and spun my calm world off its axis?