in the bleak midwinter

i’ve been obsessed with the phrase “christmas is the new black”. not because christmas is suddenly the new, popular, hip and fashionable thing – but because this year, more than ever, it feels empty and disappointing and a huge letdown. its not like i just found out there is no santa claus, but maybe in a way i finally did.

like most people, the childlike thrill of christmas ended for me sometime in my early teens. okay, that is a total lie – i was unnaturally excited by it all the way through college. thanks to very generous parents and my own inability to grow up and let go, christmas was very, very good to me until my early twenties. in college, christmas break and the month i got to spend at home was something i lived for from september on. i usually got really great gifts (spoiled) and had wonderful times with my large extended family. i was incredibly lucky, and my memories of those times are precious.

after college, when i finally moved in to my own place and belatedly began adulthood (though that distinction is debatable) i was trying to get my band known around town and covering the bills working in a restaurant. restaurant work is totally unforgiving during holidays, and suddenly all the freedom and free time of college break was gone. i think its called ‘growing up’. after that i supplemented my income in retail – a card store, no less, and december was a blur of intense hard work. then i got fed up with booking my own band and joined an agency that booked me. december was always the busiest month, so weekend nights were spent working corporate events. when i finally opened my own retail store, i continued with the corporate bookings – december weekends were spent at a dead run during the day followed by late nights – sometimes 3 in a row – singing at boring company parties. the first christmas my store was open i went home on christmas eve, had dinner, sat down by the tree to open my gifts and instantly fell dead asleep. i have no memory of christmas day. this went on for years.

needless to say, at some point i began to feel like i was missing something. i watched the shoppers stroll in and out of my store, sipping the hot cider we joyfully provided (except for the year the crock pot cracked and it drained out all over the floor), packages wrapped, laden with bags, carolers strolling by. and there i was in a total frenzy, exhausted and counting the minutes until it was over. where was the joy for me in christmas? sure, the huge leap in income was a great gift – but i was missing all the fun, the festivities, the parties, the lovely glittering world i could see outside the store windows.

this year marks the first time in 25 years that i haven’t been in retail at christmas. the first time i haven’t worked until 4 pm on christmas eve, the first time i haven’t had to get up at 6 am on december 26th to get to work in time to do markdowns before we opened. i looked at the calendar a couple days ago – december 15th. okay, wait. where are the festivities? where are the piles of gorgeously wrapped gifts under my sparkling tree? the party invites? the smartly dressed and laughing friends standing around me with glasses of champagne? dinners in elegant restaurants followed by a stroll through streets lined with twinkling lights and gently falling snow? this is finally my year for these moments to happen, damn it, so where are they?

i’ll admit it. i’m a sucker for marketing, and i’m starting to realize i’ve never fallen harder for anything than i have for the myth of the christmas season. people used to complain to me about it all the time when i was ringing up their purchases, but because i was stuck behind the counter, i figured they just had temporary burn-out or were being incredibly stupid and ungrateful. now i realize they were chasing the same dream of the season that i thought i was missing. now that i have time to enjoy it, and discover that it doesn’t exist, the disappointment is significant. it makes me sad. it seems like everyone should get to have a holiday season that looks like the one in magazines. maybe the layouts are always so appealing because no one can really make it a reality. the reality certainly wouldn’t sell anything.

i’m moving towards christmas day with the hope something will magically kick in and there will be at least one mythical moment. it seems unlikely. if not, there is always new years eve. i’m sure there will be a year when i’m not out singing with the band, and thats the year i’m really going to experience the excitement it has to offer!