my glamorous life

a couple of months ago, the bandleader i’ve been working with called to ask if i’d like to do a charity gig. we would be playing at a ‘make-a-wish foundation’ fundraiser, and most of the people attending would be directors of other country clubs around town – a good way for people to see us play live, and for a good cause. since it was a charity gig we wouldn’t get paid, but the rest of the band was on board so i agreed to it as well. i’ve been enjoying working with them and it seemed like a good deed, too. my friends were impressed i’d been invited to perform at such a prestigious event. a sweet thought, but none of them have been to these functions to see the real, sordid truth.

the evening unfolded at a suburban country club that is so architecturally similar to the grade school i attended i can only think of it as “the little elementary school that could”. granted, it has been glammed up a bit – a lot of bad molding and fake ceiling beams to detract from the popcorn texture, but it really is the worst excuse for ‘ritzy’ in town. when i played there 10 years ago, dinner ended, they turned off the lights in the dining room, and the waitstaff paraded in carrying trays laden with flaming baked alaska. fancy. the fire department was there because they’d had to disable the sprinkler system for fear the dessert would set it off. i remember thinking “wasn’t this an episode of bewitched?”

this time around, the grand ballroom (and i use that term loosely) was lined with long tables, and chefs from every country club in town had set up stations and were offering up an entree. the band was set up in the corner (note: i said ‘corner’, not ’stage’) about 5 feet from one of the buffet lines. right after i arrived, i noticed the room was getting very smoky, and there was a seriously pungent smell in the air. several maintenance people were running around the room carrying large fans, flinging them down in every open doorway hoping to draw the smoke out. the chefs doing the ‘asian stir-fry entree’ must have overheated their griddle or something. that kind of atmosphere is horrible for a singers throat, so i went outside to find some fresh air, and hopefully avoid going home with my clothes reeking of burned cooking oil. i noticed most of the large crowd was doing the same. and i couldn’t help but wonder why there was always something on fire when i was at this club.

much of the big crowd arrived sooner than expected, so the bandleader decided we should start 25 minutes early. most of the musicians had come straight from their day job to the gig, so there was much panic and disorganization as they all hurried to get set up. i think the keyboard player was still plugging in his amp when the first song started. i have to say it was a very odd sensation to spend the entire evening facing a line of chefs busily heating and plating up ‘italian pot roast with mushroom risotto’, though on our first break i had some, and it was delicious. of course, they were from the high-end country club across town. no burning oil there, i bet.

as the evening wore on the smoke cleared, people ate and drank and i enjoyed myself as best as possible. apparently there were many nice compliments about the band, though i would never have guessed it since the crowd mostly acted as though we were invisible, even as they went through the line for their italian pot roast. before i left i heard the event raised $20,000, to be used to send underprivileged kids to culinary school, hence the food theme for the evening. i got in my car and realized i was starving. it was too late to go somewhere decent, so i stopped at 7-11 for food. when i got home i was sorry my well-wishing friends hadn’t been there to see it – the billowing smoke, the (largely sub-par) food, the crowd that didn’t know we were there even as they practically tripped over our cables. and here i was, ending the evening at home with a turkey sandwich, reeking of burned oil and asian seasonings. not really the life of a star, i’m afraid. the sandwich tasted pretty good, though. i hope one of the ‘make-a-wish’ kids learns to make something so delicious.